Who we used to be...

I used to be a woman who took my husband for granted. I expected him to do a lot and to be just like me.  Now things are different. He has a lot on his plate.  He is doing what he used to do and some of what I did.  We are getting in a new groove. He has a strength I only hope to possess.  I know he will never give up on me and he will never let me give up on myself.   He knows me better than I know myself.  Our marriage has been tested a lot in the last 2 years.  We are a work in progress.  I could not imagine watching this happen to him.  This disease is happening to us.  Not just me.

I used to be a mom who put my kids clothes away and made their beds and picked up their rooms.  I don't do that any more.  They have to do it. Naomi has to hold the boys hands in parking lots.  I worry about her and how much she tries to make everyone happy all the time.  Gabe carries lots of stuff for me. He is angry and frustrated.  I am too.  And Isaac, well, he is only 4. We are still working on things.  

I used to use real plates and make muffins from scratch.  We did not eat out very much.  I used to have a clean bathroom and clean sheets.  And a clean kitchen floor.  There were less cobwebs.  We used to have friends over without a second thought.  Not so much now.  

Here is the secret I have been let in on, and I am going to share with you, NONE OF IT MATTERS!   My kids are clean and happy (well, we are working on it) even though my house may not be!   My sweet husband is doing his best he can.  Things have not fallen apart as I feared they would.   The kids are learning to help out.  Gabe and Naomi like to be helpful.  Isaac, again, we are still working on it.  

Brett said the other day that there are days he feels like we are going to be okay, and there are days when he feels like it is all going to fall apart.  We are on the brink.  But it was like that before I got sick. We were busy.  We are raising kids and trying to get somewhere.  Where, I don't quite remember anymore.  That seems less important now. 

I want to live differently now.  I will live differently now.  I am going to choose to live differently now. It is all a choice. 

(Here is a health update:  I am headed to see my neurologist tomorrow.  I think I am going to be headed back in for IVig next week.  More pinky numbness.  It is okay.  I got so much better in May, I at peace with it.)

All my love!