A long ride home

We went to Iowa for the weekend.  It was rainy and cold.   Everyone had a good time seeing family and relaxing.  Brett got to go fishing.  We ate mushrooms.   It was nice to not have to worry about keeping up with things at home.  We all needed the break.

About an hour into our 5 hour ride home, Brett and I had a very deep conversation.  It is hard to sum it up.  It was about deserving what you get.  About God and how if we believe that we are covered by God's protection, we also have to believe that the bad stuff that happens is also sent from God.  It is funny to talk to people now, I feel more attuned to what people are saying about their lives in relation to what I am going through.  Lots of people say things like "Thank God it (whatever they have faced) was not that bad.". "God has spared me from such and such.". Things like that.  Everybody has a story about how they were protected.  If you believe that you are protected by God, then you have to believe the opposite right?  You have to believe that God does not protect you.  And He did not protect me. 

Brett has a different philosophy.  He thinks that God has nothing to do with any of it. Good or bad. Everything is random.  He said something very profound to me that I spent a lot of time thinking about, he said "I think we just have to hope we are not it the way when the shit hits the fan.". I think that he is right.  

I don't believe that my dad deserved his end.  The verdict is still out on me.  My sister reminded me today about something that the priest said at my dads funeral about sacrifical suffering.  Suffering for the sake of others.  If I have to go through this to spare others, so be it.  If it spares mine, I will take it for the greater good.  

Maybe I had a simplistic view of God and His protection.  I liked that view.  Now things are much more complicated.  And so is my relationship with God.  

Needless to say, it was a long trip home.  I cannot stop to long to think about any of this because if I do, I feel like I will just stop.  Stopping is not an option.  

Does any of this make sense?  Probably not.  

Here is some good news, I feel really good!  I am 4 weeks post IVIG, and I am still on a uphill swing!  I can really wiggle my right foot.  By really, I mean more than in the video. Maybe I will post another one.  Maybe Brett and I will do a volg.   Maybe I should ask him first!   

All my love!  

Blessing

The other day I was at the grocery store.  The meat manager worked my inlaws and he and I have become friendly.  He shares the good deals with me and we exchange plesentaries.  He is a nice guy.    A few months ago, when I started going to the store again, I ran  into him and he mentioned that he had not seen me for a while.  I explaned our situation, he listened and shared a health scare he recently had.  

I went to the store on Monday.  I ran into him, and he asked me how I was feeling.  I said fine, and changed the subject.  He then said "It sure does look like you have been getting some sun." No, I haven't.  It is the medicine or the illness.  My face is always beat red.  And I am sweaty. Really sweaty. All the time.  And when you talk about it, it gets redder. I know he was just making conversation, but I hate explaining myself and having to talk about my sickness.  I guess maybe I will just say yes from now on.  

I know it is the 'roid rage, but I feel the urge to punch people a lot when they stare. 

So with out further hesitation, here is a list of people who I want to punch:  

1.  Anyone who comments on the redness of my face.

2.  The woman who stared at my legs for so long she ran into an end cap at Target.  I guess the universe sorta punched.  

3.  People who text and drive.

4.  People who give their 5 year old red bull.  

5.  People who litter.

6.  People who do not put their cart back in the cart holder in the parking lot. If I can do it, so can you!  

7.  People who use handicapped parking and don't have a tag.  I want to punch these people in the face.

8.  People who text during church.  

9.  The neighbor who lets his dog shit in my yard.  If I wanted dog shit in my yard, I would have a dog and let it shit in my yard.  

10.  Pretty much all teenagers.  

11.  People who do not feel the rules do not apply to them.  Like people who do use their turn signals, people who do not renew their car tags and people who do not stop at stop signs.  

My mom says bless you to people a lot.  At my college graduation, the first time they met Brett, there was a woman who was saving a bunch of seats, my mom kindly asked her to move over a little for my grandma.  The woman said no, and my mom looked at her and said "Well bless you!". I heard this story recounted from both Brett and my BFF.  I think she may have it right.  There is no amount of anger or punching that is going to change them.  And why waste what little energy I have on being angry at them.  Instead, I will start blessing.  

Although, there was a man ahead of me in a car yesterday that did 4 on the list.  I really wanted to punch him.  

All my love! 

Another update

Here is another list, cause I am feeling lazy and  beat up by the month of May.

1.  We survived Brett being gone. No ninjas attacked us in the night.  This week was hectic, we ate out a lot, I will not win any mom of the year award, but everyone is alive.  

2.  I had Ivig on May 1 and 2.  I feel so much better this time around.  I feel like I have turned a corner.  I am not sure how to explain it.  I just feel it.  

3.  Today is my last day of physical therapy.  I have gone religiously since January 2.  I love my PT. I cannot express my gratitude to her.  She is now a friend.  I plan on going back in August when the kids are back in school.  

4.  Mom guilt is the worst guilt ever. EVER!  Gabe missed a field trip this week.  I could not go on Naomi's.  I so wish I could be the mom I used to be.  I know they won't remember these days.  

5.  I am completely off all pain medicine.  Whoohoo!  I would like a margarita please!

6.  Gabe's last day of kindergarten is tomorrow.  He has a program and a picnic.  Just thinking about it is making me tear up.  This boy has had a rough year.  The middle kid.  Hard time learning how to read.  He is behind in school. He has lots of anger.  We are going to see a psychologist.  I think my illness has been the hardest on him.  He and I are connected in a different way.  There have been many times in his life that I think if he could climb back inside of me, he would.  And I have wanted to put him back.  I love all of my kids, but I identify with Gabe.  Do other moms feel this way?  

7.  I took a video of my feet last week.  I am hesitant to post it.  Check back tonight.  I might feel brave enough. 

My grandma has always signed her cards with the words "All my love".   It always made me feel special.  Like I could feel her love in that closing.  So I am going to start signing my posts like that. Because I mean it.  

All my love.  

The choice

There is a woman I know who has a lot of health problems. Many caused by the fact that she is very overweight.  Some not.  She has recently been diagnosed with a new illness that she claims she will die from.  The way she put it to me was "It is what I thought, I have 5-10".  Is this a prison sentence?  Anyway, after telling me about her diagnosis, she asked me how I was doing,  I said ok.   She said "Well, you don't really seem like it.". I looked at her straight in the eye and said "We all have a choice.  We can choose to dwell on the negative, or we can live.  I am choosing to live."She just looked at me.  Then she left. 

She has always been like this. Wanting pity.  Wanting to be the sickest.  Go right ahead.  Be that.  I am busy living.  

The same, but not

I am going to make a list of 12 things to catch you all up on:

1. I FOUND SOME NEW SHOES!  They are Dansko.  I wore Dansko before and I loved them.  I am so glad they fit!
   
   
   
2. Isacc has been back for a month and we are getting used to being together again.  Our days have been filled with watching Mario cartoons, seeing friends, and physical therapy.  
3. It has been 4 weeks since the last IVig.  I think I need another one. I am seeing the Dr. today. 
4. Naomi is in a play.  It is May 9th at 7 pm.  If you are in the KC area and want to come, let me know and I will pass along the details! 
5. I am getting less worried about Brett being gone.  We have good friends that live close and a wonderful neighbor who would drop everything and be over in a second if I call.  
6. May is NUTS!  I looked at the calendar last night.  I would have been feeling overwhelmed by the next month if my legs worked.  Now, it is daunting.  One day at a time.
7. I got 2 phone calls this week from old friends who both are in Colorado.  It was so good to talk to them both.  My one friend, is going thought a lot right now.  I can so relate to her struggles.  I love her and she is always full of perspective and gives me something to think about. 
8. Sugar and I have been flirting.  We are breaking up again tomorrow.  As well as gluten and dairy.  Tomorrow will be hard.  And probably the next two weeks.  
9. I am loving this warmer weather.  Then I looked at next week. Mother nature can go fuck herself.  
10. I had a new friend reach out to me after my blog on Sunday.  Her wisdom and insight were wonderful.  Thanks Sherri! 
11. I love mail.  Especially when it is a homemade gift.  And from someone you have not seen from a very long time.  
12. Things have been the same, but not.